If She Had the Courage
by pealee
Summary: "Just when I feel like I'm ready, that I'm so close you start acting like a 12 year old on a sugar rush again." Just a different take on how they got together in S4.


If She Had the Courage

Kate was at a loss. She couldn't grasp Castle's attitude, his complete discomfort with her. She was finally feeling like she was where she needed to be and he's the one now pulling away. She was baffled. Truly baffled and confused over his behavior as of late. Running to Las Vegas and spending time with ditzy flight attendants. And now Slaughter, a cop who is defiant, dangerous and 100% the complete opposite of her. She's had enough. She wants her partner back. She wants him to be more than her partner. A glass of liquid courage and sheis picking up her cell and hitting speed dial #1.

Across town at the loft, Castle is attempting to convince his mother or himself (he isn't sure) that he can do just fine without Kate Beckett. That he can go to the 12th and act as if he isn't in love with her. That he isn't so fully and painfully in love with Kate Beckett. He still can't wrap his head around as to why she lied to him all these months. He tries convincing his mother (or himself) that it would havebeen much easier if he'd known from the beginning. If Beckett had found the courage to just tell him she didn't feel the same knows Martha is talking, but he's slipped off for a moment. Then Martha breaks his trance by telling him his cell is ringing.

"Beckett what do you want?" He couldn't have stopped the bite in his tone, even if he'd wanted to"The dead air makes him pause, "Beckett?"

"Can you come over…please?" Her voice is weak, broken. His heart speeds up. She never just calls and she never begs him to come over. He's grabbing his keys and saying "I'll be there in twenty" before he can even process it. He's always on automatic when it comes to her. Even now when he's mad at her she holds the strings. He's her puppet. She's his master.

He makes it to her apartment in record time, on autopilot. He's in a daze; does he dare let himself be hopeful only to come out worse than he already feels? She answers the door before he finishes knocking. She lets him in without either speaking. He notices she looks pale, on edge. Did she look that way when he left the precinct?He's not sure. He hasn't been allowing himself the pleasure of staring at her. After all, she's the one who thinks it's creepy. She walks into the kitchen and turns to face him sharply.

"I need to know"

She asks quietly. He doesn't quite know what she means; he's on edge, defensive. "Know what?"

"What did I do to make you hate me so much?" It comes out in a quick puff of air. Like the world has been lifted off her shoulders. She's been dying to ask the question. Just hasn't had the courage. She's petrified of his response.

He is knocked completely out of his world. How could she possibly think that he hates her? He feels only the exact opposite of that.

"Hate you, why would you think I.."

She cuts him off, won't let him act nonchalant about this. Putting it back on her, she's done playing silent word games with him.

"Just when I feel like I'm ready, that I'm so close you start acting like a 12 year old on a sugar rush again. Weekend trips to Las Vegas, dating blond flight attendants, and now Slaughter? He could have gotten you killed and not thought twice about it. I warned you about him, the boys warned you and you still followed him. I risked my career to back you because I trust you and how you're acting is…" She pauses because she sees the look on his face and she can't decipher it. It's a mix of pain and anger. With a hint of that spark that's always in his eyes when he looks at her. She hasn't seen it in a while, and her heart speeds up.

"Because I'm in love with you!" It spills from his mouth before he can think. It's been bottled up for a year. "But you've known that for a year now, haven't you?"

She's taken aback. The ball is firmly back in his court if it was ever really in hers.

"How…how do you know that?" She stumbles. She physically moves back a step. He takes a step forward.

"You've lied to me for a year, why didn't you just have the guts to tell me the truth? To give me the respect of telling me you don't feel the same so I don't waste a year of hoping and waiting for you. So I didn't have to hear you tell a damn suspect that you remember every second of that day!"

"How dare you blame me?" She's angry, the events of last year flooding her mind. "You waited till the moment I was on the ground covered in blood with a damn bullet in my heart to tell me you loved me!"

The silence is palpable. Neither looking the other in the eye, she speaks before he can muster the courage to see a tear slide down her cheek.

"I was in unbelievable pain. My father was barely holding it together; Josh was hovering and ordering the nurses to check on me every 15 minutes. And finally the day you came to visit, I was feeling somewhat normal. I had showered; I could get up and use the bathroom on my own. I had solid food for lunch. And you were there, finally. And you do what you always do. You let me hide within myself. You didn't push, and you sure as hell didn't say the words again."

"Kate…"

She won't stand for him letting her off the hook again. She plows on without acknowledging his plea.

"You never listen to me. Ever. I say stay in the car. You don't. I threaten you to stay out of my mother's case. You don't. I tell you no more theories about alien CIA agents and you don't listen. But this time, this time with a hole in my heart. A literal hole in my heart you listen to me and walk away. You just walked away! You weren't supposed to listen!"

He's not sure if it's possible for his heart to completely shatter at her words. He thinks maybe he had it wrong all along that he was the coward not her. With her next words he's positive it's possible for his heart to shatter.

"I've been seeing someone" It's like the flood gates are open and Kate Beckett is done holding back. It's all or nothing now. But she quickly realizes what she's said and how he's taken it by the heartbroken look on his stutters trying to make herself clear before he really does walk away from her for good.

"No, no not like that. A therapist. I've been seeing a therapist. I just want to put in the work and get better for you and I think I'm almost there but Rick.."

Relief washed over him like a summer rain and he's walking to her to close the distance.

"…I just want you"

And with that he's on her, reaching with both hands to cup her face and pulling her mouth to his. They stumble back with the force of the kiss till her back is up against her kitchen island. The kiss is fever, frenzied, hands and lips are everywhere. When they start to need air she slows the kiss. They look at each other in awe with hazy eyes. She grabs his hand and leads him to her bedroom.

~FIN~

A/N: This is my first fic in quite a while. The idea struck a couple months ago and wouldn't let go. This was beta read by Helene and Mariel. Thanks ladies for taking your time to read through this!


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